


a note to say

by kxrthxmmel



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26407342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxrthxmmel/pseuds/kxrthxmmel
Summary: blaine finds something whilst in the middle of moving back to new york
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Comments: 1
Kudos: 66





	a note to say

“I still think a walk-in-closet should have been on the must-have list, y’know?”

Kurt’s voice floats in from the living room to the bedroom where Blaine is in a fort of boxes, half unpacked and practically drowning between a sea of packing peanuts.

Blaine laughs to himself as he pulls out another photo – taken on their wedding day, to set on the bedside table, smiling to himself as he takes a step back to admire it.

“Or,” Kurt’s voice is louder now as he pops his head around the doorframe; his hair is ruffled and messy and he’s wearing the most ridiculous pair or pink overalls that have Blaine grinning from ear to ear.

“We  _ could  _ just make the spare room a closet, now that we know for certain Sam won’t be moving in with us,” he says with a shrug and Blaine just gives a breathy laugh.

“I don’t think your dad and Carole would appreciate having to sleep on the floor if we did that,” Blaine tells him, grabbing move stuff from the boxes.

Kurt rolls his eyes and gives a comical scoff as he leaves again.

“Fine!” He calls out. “But when we get rich and famous I  _ need  _ that walk-in closet!”

Blaine shakes his head in amusement at his husband's absurdity. “When we’re rich and famous,” he repeats under his breath, rather dreamily.

He has in his hands a pile of old paperwork; school stuff, bills, old postcards.

He starts off a pile of ‘keep’ and ‘throw away.’.

He’s halfway sifting through old homework that he has no idea how it even managed to end up back in New York with them.

He’s shuffling through it all at a fast pace; Kurt had suggested going out for pizza tonight, traditionally New York style to celebrate their return to the big city but this time as newlyweds.

He’s still dreaming of four blend cheese when suddenly he stops.

He can just about hear the faint shuffled footsteps of Kurt outside the room as his heartbeat booms loudly in his ears.

He’s staring down at the paper in his hands, eyes scanning each word briefly before everything goes blurry.

It’s like the world had suddenly jerked forward, and he’d been flung sideways where he had nothing to hold onto.

“Okay so if the walk-closet can’t happen then we’ll meet in the middle and we’ll have one of those rooms that turn into another room when you press a button or something,” Kurt’s voice comes back into clarity, but Blaine isn’t really listening. “Like half gym for you and maybe a catwalk for me.”

Blaine doesn’t even look up when he comes back into the room. He can’t tear his eyes away from the letter in his trembling hands with familiar, scrawled out handwriting that has his heart drumming against his chest.

“Blaine?” Kurt says after a while, his voice sounding far away.

It’s not until Blaine looks up at his husband across the room and blinks at him that he realises that he’s actually crying, as tears roll down his face.

“Blaine?” Kurt asks again, more urgently now as he takes a few steps forward. The paper wrinkles in Blaines hold and when Kurt’s eyes land on it, he stops, frozen in time.

Neither of them say anything. It’s like they’re both walking a tightrope across a million miles and neither of them want to make the first step, in fear of who’ll fall first.

Kurt opens and closes his mouth like a fish but nothing comes out.

Blaine supposed it’s his turn to try.

“I didn’t mean to,” he tells him, voice thick. “I just found it in the boxes, right at the bottom.”

Kurt’s chin is wobbling and his eyes are glassy with tears. There’s an undoubtedly look of horror and  _ shame  _ on his face and it only breaks Blaine’s heart further.

“I forgot I had it,” is all he says, voice hoarse.

Blaine looks at it again, but only briefly, sparing himself any more heartache from reading his husband's words scribbled down.

“Why do you have it?” He squeaks, desperately searching Kurt’s face for answers. He’s not sure if he can find any.

There’s a moment of silence between them.

“I didn’t want my dad to find it,” Kurt whispers, tears slipping down his face.

Blaine sniffs, holding the letter tightly. “Were you gonna tell me?” He asks. “About any of it?”

Kurt jerks, like he’s been shot before straightening himself out. 

“Yes,” he says. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

Blaine isn’t sure how to feel about that. The last thing he wants is to be angry at Kurt – of course he doesn’t want to be angry at Kurt.

What he wants is to cross the room, wrap him up in his arms and hold him so tightly like he never wants to let go.

But he can’t do that.

He can’t, because the suicide note in his hands feels like it weighs more that the moon and it’s stopping him from being able to move.

“It was before I even met you, Blaine,” Kurt sniffs, a tiny hint of desperation in his voice.

Blaine takes a sharp breath. 

“I knew it was bad, Kurt, but I-I… I had no idea it was  _ this  _ bad…” he chokes back a sob as he looks back down at the letter.

Kurt shifts on his feet, like a naughty school kid who’d been caught with his hand in a cookie jar.

But it was worse than that. Way,  _ way  _ worse than that.

“I just… I felt so helpless,” Kurt hiccups, taking half a step forward before stopping himself. “It was before Glee club, before I even came out… way before I met you, Blaine.”

Blaine swallows thickly as he takes in Kurt’s words. 

“I wrote it just in case I… did anything,” Kurt continues. “And I guess over time I just forgot about it after hiding it away from my dad and… and that’s how I guess it ended up here.”

Kurt’s tears are coming a little fast now, rolling down rosy red cheeks, eyes puffy and big.

Blaine is sure his heart breaks in two at just the site of him, giving a little whimper as he waits for some sort of reaction.

“Kurt,” Blaine says softly, dropping his arms by his side, letting his death grip on the paper a little looser. “I love you.”

He closes the gap between them with a few strides, his vision blurs with unfallen tears but Kurt standing there is so clear to him, he doesn’t hesitate to throw his arms around him, the paper in his hand crinkles but it’s drowned out by the breathy sob Kurt let’s out as he buries his head in Blaine’s neck, growing wetter and wetter with tears.

“I love you,” Blaine says again, trying hard to stop his voice from cracking under the heavy emotion in his words, but he trembles nonetheless, holding the slightly taller man in his arms a little tighter. “And I never,  _ ever  _ want you to hide anything away from me. Nothing like this.”

He pulls away to hold the letter out to Kurt. He looks down at him rather timidly, like if he grabs it it might burn him.

“I feel so stupid,” Kurt whispers, wiping away a stray tear rather harshly. “I should never have kept it around for you to find…”

Blaine’s chest grows increasingly tighter as he grabs Kurt by the shoulders, making him look right at him.

“You’re not stupid,” Blaine tells him. “I wish you’d never written this but I think now that I know about it, it’s a little easier to talk about, hm?”

Kurt’s bottom lip is trapped between his teeth as he chews it insistently, eyes flickering from the letter to Blaine again.

“I have a therapist, Blaine,” he reminds him, shoulders sagging but Blaine keeps a tight hold on him, like if he lets go he’ll just float away somewhere.

“I know,” Blaine nods. “I think it’s good we both can go and talk about our feelings and our thoughts in a safe space. It’s helped us so much,” he says. “But I can't ignore this, Kurt.”

Kurt looks unsure. Blaine takes a breath.

“I understand if it’s hard for you,” Blaine tries, his voice steady and low like it’s only the two of them that exist in the world right now. “I don’t expect you to just tell me everything right here, right now.”

Kurt swallows.

“And if you want to take your time, I’m here. Okay? I’m  _ here,  _ Kurt and I’m not going anywhere. And I want you to know that when you’re ready to talk about this,” he says, holding the letter up. “And anything else you need to talk about, then… I’m always going to be here, no matter what.”

Tears are falling down Kurt’s face like rainfall, his bottom lip quivers and his face crumples.

Blaine lifts his free hand where he cups Kurt’s face, a thumb brushing over his cheekbone to catch a rogue tear.

“Thank you,” he whispers through more tears, his voice barely audible. 

Blaine smiles at him, he lets the letter fall to the floor to hold his face in his hands, pulling forward where Kurt meets him in the middle, catching his lips with his. 

“Do you still wanna grab that pizza?” Kurt finally speaks after what feels like a million years, using the back of his wrist the wipe under his nose.

Blaine smiles at him. “Only if you want to?”

Kurt takes his hand in his, pulling it away from his face to lace his fingers with his, giving it a short squeeze.

“Let’s go, yeah?”

Blaine smiles at him, a few more tears escape them both as they make their way out of the room, the letter left on the floor for later. 


End file.
